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Katalin Simon - Depression

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Photo by Anemone123 on Pixabay

 

Katalin Simon - Depression

 

Not sadness or melancholy. It is real depression, as the medical science calls it. The causes can be variable: unemployment, difficulties in our relationship, family problems or all of these together. Can be, that you don’t even recognize this condition until you’re already in the middle of it. 

Let’s start with my success story.

I have no idea what was the real cause, probably the problems at my workplace, the misery of my repetitive life, and on top of all, my recent break-up, the loneliness. Someone who has depression, wakes up every morning crying and if he feels just a bit better by the evening, that’s already an amazing thing. I couldn’t sleep at all; it was hard to be surrounded by people, I could tear up crying in random places. I had to take sedatives and sleeping pills. Most of the time the only reason I went to sleep was to escape from the emptiness and pain, which made every second of my life unbearable.

As another side-effect, I totally lost all my emotions. I didn’t feel happiness, annoyance, I wasn’t mad about anything and I never lost my mind. If something good happened, I literally had to force myself to be happy about it, though the real feeling never came.  I was neutral about everything. The moments when I wasn’t crying were miracles.

Months passed like this. Of course, sometimes I had better days but just until the day of my accident.  The ambulance took me to the hospital where they were moving my body from one bed to another like I was a little bird. They were trying to figure out whether I was paralyzed all the way down from my neck or not. There was a chance that I would never be able to walk again. I felt neutral about this just like about everything else. I wasn’t terrified, I didn’t feel pain. Simply, I could not care less what will happen to me in the future. I was just lying on my back waiting for the results, staring at the sealing, and thinking about my life in a wheelchair. It was fine, it didn’t matter.

My mother tried to stay strong but when she saw my swollen face with all the bruises, my neck fix, and my uncoordinated, weak movements as the result of the concussion, she started to cry. After all those months, at this moment, and only at this moment, I finally realized that something was wrong with me. Looking back now, I think that was the moment when I decided that I must recover. I couldn’t let my mother see me like that; she was the closest person to my heart in this whole world.

I met the people who called the ambulance, they saw everything. They said I was unconscious for several minutes. This was a shocking fact for me.

I didn’t accept the medical treatment; therefore since the beginning of my depression I regularly visited a psychologist. To make up my mind, to find the good in things, to keep going and don’t give up until something starts to change are not easy things to do. We were working on my self-awareness and the lack of my self-confidence. We were trying to find connections in life which were important to me. There was no session when I didn’t hear: “The time is coming when you will laugh freely from your heart.” I never believed this, just went on crying, knowing that this day will never ever come around, everything still looked hopeless.  It happened, that after one of these sessions, I was sitting in the park and a homeless came towards me. Probably he wanted to ask for some money but when he got closer he apologized and turned back. This is how terribly I looked like.

I started to paint. While creating artworks, there was a bubble around me, I could forget everything. Sometimes I even forgot to eat, it was a great feeling. Art-therapy played a really important role in my recovery.

While fighting my health issues, the way I treated my friends totally changed. From the beginning, I literarily kicked out everyone who came to visit me. There were some who left for good, and some who climbed back through my window. As long as I walk this earth, I won’t be able to explain why I was so important to them. They threw all their programs away just to be with me, so I could cry on their shoulders all night long. They knew well that I wouldn’t have a nice word to them but they still picked up the phone, came over when I asked. Moreover, even when I told them I didn’t want anyone around, they were there anyways. They never got tired to check on me every single day. They kept saying that I am smart and beautiful and I can achieve anything in life because it all depends on me. Everyday I told myself, how lucky I am to have them around.

Each night I summarized all the good things happened to me that day. It’s an important exercise because after a while you will start to appreciate them and your indifference will slowly fade away. 

What else helped me? Strong willpower. I moved to a new place, I changed my job and my whole life-style. IT WAS NOT EASY! - All in capitals, because it got the best of me. I was doing sport, walking for hours, trying to understand the circle of life and eager to find myself in the life of harmony God’s created. I like to study and read about all kind of things which can help me to develop my soul.

Believe in change and be patient.

 

Finally I won. I’m feeling well for months now.  Some things changed: I’m stronger than ever, my friends who were always there for me in the hardest times are more important than ever (I don’t care about the ones who left), they protect me as they were my own blood. It’s amazing to feel happiness again, even though my life is not perfect. I wake up every morning thinking that some tiny miracle might happen and I believe that nothing could hurt me anymore. I still have bad days but I will never go back to that hell I could finally escape from.

 

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